Monday, June 4, 2007

Damn you, Michael Bolton

To quote Lewis Grizzard, let's get this straight from the start: I'm Bulldog born and I'm Bulldog bred, and when I die I'll be Bulldog dead...

The latest reports have Billy Donovan, he of the Eddie Munster haircut and multiple national titles, wanting to get out of his agreement to coach the Orlando Magic. He would return to the cesspool that is Gainesville Florida and the University of Florida basketball team.

Coverage of this potential kick in the stomach to all that is holy is here.

A few days ago I was toying with the idea that the University of Florida is the Michael Bolton of college athletics. Stay with me on this.

Just like Michael Bolton, they have a confusing lack of style. Just like Michael Bolton they repeatedly reap success for no apparent reason.

And can't you picture Michael Bolton wearing jean shorts, gold chains and an orange and blue tank top?

Remember that movie Office Space? There's a character in that movie named Michael Bolton. And he's mad because there's a singer named Michael Bolton. I got this exchange from a copy of the script here

SAMIR: Michael, there's nothing wrong with that name.
MICHAEL: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about nine years old and that no-talent assclown became famous and started winning Grammys.
SAMIR: Well, why don't just go by Mike, instead of Michael?
MICHAEL: Why should I change it? He's the one who sucks.

Here's where I bring this home: The SEC has always been a great conference. For many years it was dominated by traditional powers Alabama, Tennessee (I'll put my hatred of them aside for a moment) and Georgia, with Auburn showing up every few years.

Florida was terrible. Now these no-class assclowns win everything in sight. And even when something bad happens — like their all-everything coach leaving for the NBA - it looks like it will turn out well for them, too.

How did this happen? I don't know, how did Michael Bolton win all those Grammys? There's just evil in this world.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can always count on you to make me giggle...

Anonymous said...

Michael Bolton = jean short wearing gators...I like the premise.

I like the blog. The word assclown does not get the credit it deserves in our soceity.

Lara said...

Cesspool of misery...didn't we spit on that town? Yes, I believe we did.

Nick said...

All there coaches are cry babies too...

Anonymous said...

Just a jealous Dawgs fan that can't handle Florida's success. Cry some more you big baby.

Maurice said...

Excellent comparison!
By the way, what's with the Munster-do in Mulletville?

Renee said...

Welcome to the blogosphere Travis.
:)

Anonymous said...

Don't worry buddy... The Dawgs will rise again! Maybe this year you guys will beat Vandy.

Molly said...

I love that comparison. However let me say this: much as I dislike Florida I am really hoping that their success will FINALLY bring some respect to the SEC that seems to have disappeared once the BCS came about. We probably actually lost that respect sometime before then but those idiots don't look at our strength of schedule hard enough.

Let's just hope that these kids who are coming along these days and doing worse things than stealing a pig (see the 1980 team, I believe) will eventually cut that crap out so that we can actually have these stars we recruit start in an opening game.

kjpeters said...

Travis: Great rant about Donovan. Comparing him to a wuss like MIchael Bolton fits. Joe told me about your new blogs and then he ranted about Donovan. At least we were able to get Spurrier and Saban out of the SEC for a couple of years. Donovan will just reload.

Anonymous said...

Funny a$$ article had me on the floor.
So let me get this straight if UF is to Bolton, then UGA football is to a comet, comes around about once every 30 years??? right??

Sucks for you.

Anonymous said...

Why can't you be original. Jean shorts again? Isn't that criticism from the 1980s? I guess losing 15 out of 17 years makes it hard to come up with new material.

By the way, the "Michael Bolton" of the SEC is here to stay atop the mountain.

Anonymous said...

your jealousy validates the gator nation. we used to hate you as much as you hate us. but its so hard to hate a team when you are just so much better than them. every year preseason hype has you winning the east, the sec, the whole shooting match. damn those pesky gators. a true thorn in the side of the georgia "milli vanilli" bulldogs.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong? You buy at bitter can of Skoal? You Bulldogs are pathetic. You have a second rate university with a second rate athletic program. But then again, I should probably congratulate you on your women's gymnastics and underwater dip spitting championships.

Aren't you missing your KKK rally you freakin redneck?

Anonymous said...

Jean shorts wearing Gators?

I don't get the UGA fans always saying this. I live in GA and I see UGA fans wearing jean shorts every day, as well as cut off camo's, and hunting gear.

I go to Florida games and I have yet to see a pair of jean shorts.

So where does this come from? Did it get confused somewhere along the line?

If this is the best that UGA fans can come up with, that is truly pathetic, but then again, so is the UGA mens athletic program.

UT and UGA have a lot in common, there women sports are far superior than their mens programs.

gosec said...

If Florida is Michael Bolton, I think Georgia is Milli Vanilli. After all, your team is just lip service year in and out. I'm a UT fan. Didn't UGA have to fire their coach due to some bad coaching/recruiting practices? You are a very credible source considering your fans die from Heroin overdoses and your players like Odel Thurman are such great roll models. Florida owns you and as much as you cry about it, you can't erase their Championships. Typical UGA fans. An embarrassment to the south.

Mike said...

Jawjah sucks.

Go Gators!

Anonymous said...

Run Lindsey Run....fall sleep for 20 years....what next? 17-2 is a hard pill to swallow being a dog fan. We'll wear jean shorts to have this record against your second rate university. More importantly, look and see (that means research) who has won the most SEC all sport titles recently. Go gymdogs yay! Eddie Munster, Jean Shorts, Rings, Rings, Heisman winners, Rings. Great intelligent comparisons mr myspace

PastyStoole said...

I dunno, it always seemed to me that UGA was the Michael Stipe of the SEC. Always getting their a$$ pounded by every chap-and-leather- vest-wearing sadist in the back room of the gay bar.

But now they just seem...well...irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you jawja fans go back to hatin' on Tech...they're more your speed at this point...and you tend to beat them a bit more often than UF...

John said...

I am a Gator living Deep in Enemy Territory (20 miles from UGA). It's really not about jean shorts around here--as much as it is camo. Granted, every piece of trash crawls out from under his/her trailer on gameday and yells, "GO DAWGS!" "GO GATORS!" "GO VOLS!", etc. Being called, "Michael Bolton", reminds me of the Ole Ball Coach's comment, "You can call us lots of things, but you damn sure can't call us losers!"

Anonymous said...

GOOD ARTICLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The St. Johns River still flows north and UGA still sucks. Live with it.

Mike said...

Very clever post. Well done. See you guys in Jax!

Mike said...

Maybe Florida isn't just a recent phenomenon after all.

Over the past:

10 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .800
20 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .750
30 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .600
40 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .539
50 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .570
60 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .559
70 yrs: UF win % over UGA: .515

But I gotta admit, the Michael Bolton reference for Florida was pretty funny. The Milli Vanilli reference for UGA (thanks gosec) was even better.

Brett said...

I still have part of a Florida fan's tooth in my hand.

Molly said...

"gosec"-

that was the basketball coach from a few years back, if i recall correctly. i believe there was also nepotism involved.

Brett said...

Florida fans like to rollerblade.

Anonymous said...

Man, I hate to say it, but as a Gator fan living in Florida, it's hell. I mean, all we've got are endless stretches of beautiful beaches, hot, gorgeous women everywhere you look, and one hell of a record against UGA over the past couple (20) years. I'd rather be up in Georgia, up in the mountains with my bitter, drunk, dumb woman, sharing Skoal in front of an open fire because we don't have electricity. Jean shorts? I haven't seen them in years (at least not on any dudes, only some of those hot-ass chicks I've been talking about).

As for comparisons, I'd rather think of UGA is to UF as John Bobbitt is to Lorena Bobbitt. Every year, you Dawgs get hard thinking this year will be the year you beat us and every year, like Lorena, we cut you off and leave you whimpering on the floor.

So, please do reassure yourselves that this might be your year and that you live in a wonderful state. I'll bring my scissors to Jax.