Saturday, December 8, 2007

Colt Brennan and the worst mistake of my life

I've removed the name and contact information, but this is an actual letter to the editor my paper received late last week over this column, in which I said (figuratively) that I wanted Hawaii quarterback Colt Brennan's head on a stick. My own smart-ass comments appear as appropriate.
Dear Sirs:

It was disappointing to learn that a person from your newspaper expressed his disappointment with the BCS process by threatening the life of Hawaii's quarterback, Colt Brennan. This was not ordinary banter between two colleges, two teams or two cities. This was the type of diatribe that is akin to inciting radical terrorists to assault and kill our troops, their own people and attack innocents around the world.

Um, OK.
Why, in a position such as his on your newspaper, was this sick, over-zealous sewage allowed in print?

The guy who writes the under-zealous sewage was off that day.
Colt is a college student who happens to excel in football.

He's also a plea bargain away from being a registered sex offender.
Why would he or anyone else for that matter, deserve that type of reaction? He never refuses a request for autographs, photo ops, or a simple handshake. He has so much respect for his other team members, the majority of which are of Samoan descent, that he actually learned to speak Samoan.

I hope he learned how to say "Someone please block Rennie Curran."
He is loved in Hawaii by its people and especially his team mates. Anyone who even looks at him the wrong way has just made the biggest mistake of their lives.

I honestly have no idea what that means. Is it a threat, or do guilt and self-loathing just ruin the rest of your life if you look at Colt Brennan the wrong way? Or maybe he's like an eclipse - if you look at him without one of those mirror box thingies you'll go blind.
Hawaii has been insulted to the extreme because of this attack, and our proud Warriors will unfortunately have to take it out on your team. Hawaii - 27, Georgia - 10.

You'd think fans of a team called "The Rainblow..." excuse me, "The Rainbow Warriors" would understand the concept of figurative speech. Are they really at war? Are they actually rainbows?

Also, Hawaii fans can feel free to lecture me on sportsmanship as soon as they stop attacking people from Fresno State.

By the way, Hawaii, stop putting that apostrophe between the two i's in Hawai'i. The rest of the country thinks it looks stupid.


Molly said...

this whole thing is just too funny to me. certainly somebody somewhere also had some remarks about hawaii and yet they pick you to target... interesting.

i've really enjoyed reading your comments- go dawgs! and screw mark may who picked hawaii over us on espn tonight...

Senator Blutarsky said...

"Hawaii has been insulted to the extreme because of this attack, and our proud Warriors will unfortunately have to take it out on your team. Hawaii - 27, Georgia - 10."

At least I know whom to blame if Georgia loses in the Sugar Bowl.

Doug said...

Considering that Hawaii hasn't held a I-A opponent to only 10 points in more than a year, I'm not sure I trust that score prediction.

Brett said...

Them taking offense at all of this is gayer than an actual Rainbow Warrior.