Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Widespread Panic: Why are you trying to kill me?

In an excercise typical of a healthy combination of rules 1 and 2 following last week's Savannah run, I present you with a list of "Things Widespread Panic fans like."

With at nod to these guys, and, for that matter, these guys too.

1. Destroying their bodies
Whether it's drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, a lack of sleep or, most likely, all of the above, few groups of people are into excess like Panic fans. And no one, NO ONE, is more likely to polish off an organically grown, fully vegan meal with a half gallon of bourbon. Let it be said, though, that Panic fans have good taste, and choose to destroy their internal organs with only the finest bourbons, beers, pills and powders when possible.


2. Making sarcastic remarks
Often about hippies, how they hate hippies or how dirty hippies are. It's ironic, I know.

3. The music of Widespread Panic
They pretend to like other music.

4. Dancing "my ass off"
Typically poorly. See #s 1 and 3.

5. Ridiculous outfits
As I walked out of a show last week there was a guy in a white ape suit playing a guitar and harmonica. On any other day, that might have seemed strange.






Yep.
Lots of this guy.

6. T-shirts with clever sayings and/or song lyrics printed on them (men only)
This is not be confused with No. 5, and in fact has far more in common with No. 2. I suppose the female equivalent would be either a homemade dress, or an outfit that allows the girl to blend in with all the hippies wearing homemade dresses, but still look super hot.

7. Forcing other people to listen to their music.

Seriously, what makes someone decide to bring their own drum to a concert?

8. Not paying for things
I'm convinced some Panic fans have two-year community college degrees in the art of grifting.

9. Over-paying for things

This might seem at odds with No. 8, but I assure you it is not. $5 for a bottle of water? I'll have six.

10. Owning ridiculous amounts of technology
That dred-locked hippie might not have a place to stay tonight, but he's got a $3,000 laptop, a digital recorder with dual mike set and a sweet titanium mike stand. He also has an iPhone and a walkie-talkie. Can he sleep on your floor tonight?

11. Washing over you like locusts
Attention concert promoters: You cannot have too many kegs of beer or $5 bottles of water on hand for a Widespread Panic concert. I know you think you can, but you can't.

12. Selling you something
No, I don't want a veggie burrito or your charcoal drawing of "Mickey Hauser." See also: No. 8. By the way, whoever invented grill cheese sandwiches with garlic powder for $1 is a flat-out genius of consumerism.

13. Not being able to find things that are clearly in their pockets
See No. 1.














Joe Cox: Probably a Widespread fan.

14. Noticing coincidences

See No 1.

15. Talking about how awesome shows they attended were
Trust me, unless a member of the band ascended into heaven during the show you're talking about, you might as well be quiet. See also: No. 1.

16. Predicting the next song
This is often followed by an insistence that the band was, in fact, "teasing" that song "just like two nights ago in Orange Beach." See also: Knowing that was a Bloodkin song.

17. Referring to band members as "the boys."
See also: Referring to multiple shows in a row as "runs."

18. Talking about how awesome Eugene, Ore., and the entire state of Colorado are
Athens would also be on this list, except everybody already knows how awesome it is. Even people who've never been there.

Yes, I've heard. Thanks.


19. Being from Tennessee
I have no idea why. Though I once knew a guy who lived in Memphis specifically because it was a convenient place to get to Panic shows from.

20. Text messaging songs as they are played
I don't know why everybody's cousin needs to know what songs are performed at at show they are not attending, but they do. See also: Holding their cell phones up and swaying back an forth during slow Talking Heads covers, posting shaky video of songs to YouTube and having hour-long conversations on internet message boards.

21. Becoming best friends with people they clearly will never see or talk to again
See No. 1.

22. Actually seeing those people at another show, and doing them some kind of favor
See No. 1 and No. 3.

23. Holding grudges
Largely because it gives them ample opportunity to exercise their right to No. 2. I once saw a band review that panned Widespread with more than 4,000 follow-up comments posted to it (I am not making that number up), including someone posting the reviewer's telephone number and address.
p.s. - i made that number up. It was 785.

24. Exagerating
You know, just for effect.

25. Despite it all, or possibly because of it, not wanting to leave
This town is nuts, my kind of place...














I don't know who this guy is, but the visor and Colorado sky are dead giveaways.

89 comments:

Stuart said...

What did you think about the shows? I only caught night two. They were on fire. Encore was sweet. I agree with the Colorado comments. I will be making my fifth trip to Red Rocks in a couple months.

Brian said...

26. Creating t-shirts using song lyrics and photographs to cleverly let everyone at the Panic show know about an internet message board saga in which Guy A meets his girlfriend on said Panic message board, falls in love, and then girlfriend ends up sleeping with Guy B behind Guy A's back. Guy B also happens to be Guy A's best friend and a fellow message board poster. Chaos ensues and it all unfolds between Guy's A & B in a huge e-fight on said internet message board for all to see.
See also: No. 6.

Lucid Idiocy said...

By the way - It should be noted that I'm pretty sure Brian came up with "Widespread Panic, why are you trying to kill me?" which is easily the best line in the whole thing.

He probably had input into several items on the list, too. My memory is hazy. See No. 1.

As for the Savannah shows - the first night was pretty much all fire. (Rule 26: Calling songs "dirty" or "fire"). The second night I didn't love the first set, but the second set was damn good.

All in all a great time, though I did get pushed into a fence. No worries, though, because I'm holding a grudge.

Ali said...

pretty spot on. could add (for girls only) wearing ridiculously large glasses and overpriced sundresses (aka j.crew hippies)that will be ruined by the end of the first set due to consumption of copious amounts of drugs and/or alcohol.

Not that I know from experience or anything. :)

Anonymous said...

Tim Donahue. What a Douche.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Col Sanders said...

Is this the spot where closeted Gator fans meet to party n' play?

Uh oh...maybe not

Michael Twilley said...

Does not having a pre-nup mean she gets half of everything, including illegal things?

Also, does female weight gain after marriage allow for annulment?

Lucid Idiocy said...

The ridiculous sunglasses really do deserve a category to themselves.

parrfolio said...

Yes, Eugene is awesome. I miss "the boys". Going out West would make my day. I need a new tee shirt.

Great post!

Anonymous said...

I miss rolling around in Wordem's belly fat during a Chilly.

~toodles,
Twilley

Anonymous said...

getting very drunk before the show, and arguing about your favorite southern college football team. War Damn Eagle! Go Local Sports!

Pleas40 said...

I just finished beer number 4 and I am WASTED

Anonymous said...

hahaha...23 had me rolling...i put his # in that comment page for everyone to call him while we were at the show that he wrote the article about

Anonymous said...

Dude, Widespread sucks.

SweetMelissa(had to do it) said...

You should also add a number for people who nickname themselves or make a play on their name to coinside with any "Jam" song, ie, large guys named "Bear", hairy guys named"Big Wooley" or "Disco" for that frat guy that parties way too much. Also, the screen names, St. Stephen, Sunshine Daydream, Mr. Soul or Joyous Occasion.

Melissa said...

#27) Naming your dog/cat Sonny, Jack, Lily or Houser and thinking how bad ass it is.

Anonymous said...

28. Wearing fleece.

Lucid Idiocy said...

Some real good ones here.

By the way, all dogs should be named after former Georgia coaches, players or Larry Munson.

Freakshow said...

Teampanic>Failboard

Anonymous said...

I love the guy that lived in memphis bc it was easy to get to panic shows from there. Unfortunately - i believe it.

MayorofMemphis said...

26. Creating t-shirts using song lyrics and photographs to cleverly let everyone at the Panic show know about an internet message board saga in which Guy A meets his girlfriend on said Panic message board, falls in love, and then girlfriend ends up sleeping with Guy B behind Guy A's back. Guy B also happens to be Guy A's best friend and a fellow message board poster. Chaos ensues and it all unfolds between Guy's A & B in a huge e-fight on said internet message board for all to see.
See also: No. 6.

-------> Epic Fail <------- so which is message board did this happen on? Freaks, Stream, Tpanic, other?

Anonymous said...

ROLL TIDE!

Leigh said...

How about the comments about how many shows you've attended, and how many times you've partied with one of"the boys"? And yes, they are on fire. Which people say at some point of almost every tour.

Big Woolly said...

Ok, so you saw the nickname, and yes my dogs name is Houser but only because he was born the day after Houser died. I actually called the guy from Dallas who wrote the bad review and left him messages about his anal lube deliveries! Oh yeah, I have more electronic gadgets than I know what to do with! I travel like a Bandit, and Im taking my 5th Red Rocks trip in two months! And Orange Beach was the heat!!!!

Cherbear said...

All of these seem to ring a bell. Havin' a good time! p.s. All you dirty hippies smell... especially you Big Wooly... I hugged you leaving Dallas and I could smell you all the way back to STL!

Chepi said...

Travis Fain makes me giggle.

brooke g. said...

There really is nothing and no one better to see in concert than Widespread Panic! Never the same thing twice! Who cares what others think of us who follow them. I own my on business and my husband is a CPA and we manage just fine and we won't stop until the boys do!

CWalksOn said...

I love it! I agree with Brooke G. I don't care what others think of me and my panic buddies. I'm an insurance company executive and have been to see 174 WSP shows. As long as the "boys" keep it up...I'll be there. Long live Panic.

Anonymous said...

"Roll Tide"

6

Anonymous said...

n00b

Anonymous said...

Panic is cool when you are 16 and just starting to come into your own and party with your friends. Sure, the concerts are fun, but nobody over the age of 23 should be allowed to like Panic anymore. Plus, folks talk all about the hippies and such....but it's all the sweet fratty guys that dominate the shows. And I enjoy going to hang with friends and all of that....but the boys just aint that sweet anymore, or maybe I've grown up and get embarrased at the people around me when there. The chicks are hot at the shows though.

Jane said...

I think your description of Panic fans fits me to a "T" and yes I am from TN. = )

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