Monday, July 12, 2010

Seriously, Asheville, you need to take a shower

Look, I've been to more than 30 Widespread Panic shows. I lived in Athens for four years. I once spent two weeks camping in Colorado. But, holy shit, I went to Asheville, N.C., last weekend and I've never seen such an unreasonable number of hippies in my life.

I saw a guy with dreadlocks so ... dreadlocked they formed a shelf coming off the back of his head. I saw what appeared to be a 13-year-old girl clogging — badly — on the sidewalk for money.

There was a young woman covered head-to-toe in silver paint and clothing playing a drum for money. A guy nearby was working the same gimmick, except he was in all white, had a guitar and was pretending to be a statue until someone gave him some money.

I saw people in party hats with full drum set. They were just hanging out on the sidewalk, waiting for people to walk by. Then they'd shout "Surprise!"

I saw the biggest drum circle I've ever seen. They were just playing drums in the park downtown for like three hours.

I saw a kid, maybe 10 years old, with silver disks in his fucking earlobes. I saw more gay men sporting full-on mohawks than I thought existed, which, to be fair, means I saw one gay man sporting a full-on mohawk.

All in all, I just want to know, Asheville: Do I need to get the hose?

12 comments:

Nim said...

Yep, the motto of Asheville is "Keep it Weird" and we are proud of that. With any luck we can keep our lovely little gateway to art, local farms, home brew beer, and mountain sports from turning into A$pen on steroids. Less BMWs, more beat up pick ups. Less $200 haircuts, more wild hair colors. Less big city rush, more white water rush. Love it!

Lucid Idiocy said...

There's a place in Asheville that sells $395 sandals, so that ship may have sailed on you.

But the Thirsty Monk has excellent beer.

Anonymous said...

What you judge and talk negatively about is what some people love about this beautiful small town. There is no need to write such a negative article that has no relevance other than the author judging the people of the town. one of my favorite parts about asheville is the people you see daily walking around town. article sucks in my opinion. i love how the author starts out by justifying his hatred by saying that he has going to 30+ widespread shows and has gone camping in colorado. do us all a favor and stay out of a place some of us call home.

Joy said...

You should have quit your job and started blogging full-time years ago! Great post. I love making fun of hippies.

And for the record "Anonymous", the name of this blog is "Lucid Idiocy" so stop taking things so personally and try to see the humor here. Asheville is beautiful, we all know that. Get over it.

And a note to Travis: Consider making your links open in a 2nd window so that getting back to your blog is less time consuming. Sometimes hitting back doesn't work right.

Also, do you think Blockbuster has Rambo in stock? Now I HAVE to watch it. What a great movie.

Joy said...

Oh, and I forgot, note my use of fishing pole and tye-dyed tshirt in my non-anonymous profile picture. I may make fun of them, but there's a little hippie in me too.

A. Gunn said...

You forgot the farmers in for the weekend, the crusty punks stinking up the dance floor, the street musicians who only have one nice suit, the cooks and dishwashers sweating in the kitchens, the bums who piss themselves for want of public restrooms, and all the people who try to minimize their impact on the water table by not showering more than hygiene, not social mores, dictate. Oh yeah I forgot all the street kids who would kick someone's ass for a dollar; they smell the best of all.

Lm said...

I don't really see any of your points to be negative. (Except maybe the drum circle, but that's only because I'm personally not a fan.) Nor do many of your cast of characters seem to "hippies." It merely appears that you just plain didn't like the city. Probably because you're boring.

Besides, how can I trust the opinion of anyone who has been to "more thirty Widespread Panic shows?"

Anonymous said...

Really in Asheville? This isn't Asheville circa 2002, when it really was the shit. We are talking asheville 2010 here? Yuppy paradise, you may see one or two of the freaks mentioned in this blog, but for the most part I see asheville slipping farther and farther from the cute little mountian town that seemed to have a progressive attitude it had 10 years ago... Asheville is always fun don't get me wrong, but it seems like its over ran by fucktards paying 395 dollars for some sandals...

Lucid Idiocy said...

Joy, I had someone explain to me how to make posts open in a new tab a while back, but it sounded complicated, so I never tried it.

I should probably take another look.

Carey said...

I'm glad to know Lucid Idiocy has returned! Also, congrats on your big news!

Urban Exile said...

Here now, soaking in Asheville for the first time. Beware that the Trustafarians are not lacking actual showers...as a matter of fact if you get up close, you will smell some very expensive organic oils rubbed into those rugs!

I like this place. There are all sorts here, but everyone is smiling at me and, since I am exiling from New York, I can really use more of that.

Smile on, Asheville.

PS: local produce in so many restaurants. Absolutely yummy food here.

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