Oh, inspiration. You know she only waits a moment.

I keep this string of black notebooks, and when I started this blog I thought a lot of that stuff would end up here. But, for the most part, it's been two separate efforts. You can't really post a YouTube video from Rocky III into a notebook, I guess.

But I thought I'd share the most recent page, verbatim. Obviously the word "funny" shouldn't be in there twice. I have no idea what word I meant to use, or which one should be replaced, or whether I just wrote the sentence twice. I was probably drinking at the time.

We built cathedrals to our mistakes.

What are you, Dean Wormer?

When she came in I was dry-shaving with a single-blade, disposable razor. It was going terribly.
"How can you do that," she said.
"You'd be amazed what you can accomplish when your target is 'half-assed,'" I said.

The bigger the lie the more incoherent the facts can be.

Some days I think I'd like to go to Bethlehem and hold up a sign that says: "Please."
And other days I just think I'm funny.
And still other days I just think I'm funny. And a million other things. Well, not a million.

Callin' it your job don't make it right, boss.
- Cool Hand Luke

A man who don't care about himself is a powerful man.

There's a lot of ways to judge people, only one way to know them.

Vaguely unintelligible, hilarious, ridiculous, just plain wrong, depressing, Paul Newman, brilliant, brilliant.

By the way, Cool Hand Luke and Die Hard were on t.v. this weekend. And it was that AMC version of Die Hard where they tell you a bunch of interesting facts about the movie. Did you know that Little Richard apparently married Bruce Willis and Demi Moore?

The following people should never listen to anything I say:

Everyone.

Feel free to pay attention to what I write.

Where is my badge?

I told you that the light goes up and down.
Don't you notice how the wheel goes round?
And you better pick yourself up from the ground
before they bring the curtain down.

Is anyone else amazed by dryer lint?

The amount of it, I mean. How is there anything left of my clothes?

Also, I love the sayings "first things first" and "it's always in the last place you look."

Who's gonna disagree with that?

www.yougottased.com

As we were watching some of the election returns come in last night here at work, some of us started talking about a golden internet opportunity: A website dedicated to people getting tasered.

Not the police brutality kind, mind you. Just the funny ones. These are my favorites from waaaay to much research on youtube.

No. 4: Chewbacca in spanish.


No. 3: Eric Astrata makes everything more entertaining.


No. 2: A cop accidentally tasering himself? Sign me up.


No. 1: Beer + taser + moron = comedic genius.

Happy Signing Day

This is the only analysis I feel qualified to give you on our new signees: These guys are badass.

For coverage, feel free to visit The Telegraph's signing day page.

Travelin' Man

I don't think the article is available online, but the winter issue of Georgia Music Magazine has a cover story on Widespread Panic. And the article opens with the story of Michael Houser, the former lead guitarist who died of pancreatic cancer, writing what I believe was his last song: Travelin' Man.

The story goes that J.B., the band's front man and Houser's good friend, sat at his bedside, transcribing the lyrics as Houser came in and out of consciousness.

Look at these lyrics. Can you imagine writing this song, knowing that you might never leave your bed again, much less your home? Maybe there was no other way to write it.

Been thinkin' all day
Packin' my car
With this baggage of mine
I wouldn't get too far

Stored away on a bus
No need to hide
I'm slowing down
Catchin' one last ride

Been feelin' alright
For a couple of days
Either in a fog
Or a sunny haze

Got a big hole
In my deflector screen
What I really need
Warp nine, Geordi, please

Wanna keep my eyes on the road
Wanna carry my life in a bag
Like to live in a hotel room
Wanna be a travelin' man

What is Love?

I missed a lot of them, but this was my favorite Super Bowl commercial:

K-E-L-L-Y

If you're having trouble coming up with the perfect Valentine's Day gift:

That's why a bear can rest at ease

You know, most of the things I worry about, this can be said of: That's a silly thing to worry about.

Wherever I wonder, wherever I roam...

Jaws is smiling. Maybe you'd better smile, too.

I've had some feedback from my call to rank the top 5 or 10 James Bond movies of all time. I'm going to post my own version first. Then I'll take it, the other lists people have submitted, and any feedback this post generates and turn them into one master list.

If there's a Roger Moore lean in my own list, that's probably because he was the first Bond I remember. The first movie I can remember seeing is A View to a Kill.

So here's my list, though just about any of these could be No. 1, and so could a few others, and I probably wouldn't complain.

5. For Your Eyes Only
Against my buddy Ryan Mohs' advice, this wasn't in my initial top 5.
But with the cliff scene, the octagon-glass-wearing villain, the Greek underworld feud and the gorgeous cross-bow wielding Melina Havelock bent on avenging her parents, how could it not be? It also includes the only time I know of that Bond declined to have sex with an attractive woman without actually having sex with her later. He offered to buy her an ice cream cone instead. What a gentleman.

4. Diamonds are Forever
A little hokey (wait, is that even a criticism for a Bond movie?) but it's entertaining. Plus, it's set in Vegas. Jill St. John (aka Tiffany Case) is the Bond girl I'd be most likely to date, until she dropped me like rock. But I do love the way she rolls her eyes. Plus, this one has those crazy gay killer guys, Ernst Blofeld, a kidnapped billionaire, a character named "Plenty O'Toole" (named after her father, no doubt) and a maniacal plot that hinges on a cassette tape. Riiiiigghhhht. I'll watch it every time.








Ms. Case, taking a terribly reasonable attitude toward all of this.

3. Casino Royale
Much grittier than we're used to because it's about the birth of Bond as he transitions from the British Navy to the British Secret Service. Here we have the birth of his martini, and he drinks bourbon, too. Held up as a movie by various copyright issues, this was Ian Fleming's first Bond novel. Current day production values help, but I think this is the most fully realized Bond movie. At times scenes are ridiculous, as in all Bond movies, but they never lose their edge. I wouldn't want all Bond pictures to be like this, and it's hard to name a movie so uncharacteristic of the franchise No. 1, but I came awfully close to doing just that. If the villain was better I think I would have. Poker playing terrorism financiers just don't compare to anyone who's ever built an underwater complex in an effort to wipe out humanity.

2. The Spy who Loved me
For many years I thought this was my favorite, but my judgement is clouded by simply the greatest opening sequence in the franchise. If I could get the Bond people to allow just one opening scene onto youtube in full, this would be it. The movie itself is solid, Bond girl Barbara Bach is fantastic, there's an underwater lair, a plot to destroy mankind, and the damn movie even has Jaws in it, people, Jaws. But that opener, in a franchise that has given us many great ones, is without peer. Nobody does it better. Or with a larger British flag.

Agent Triple X, I presume.

1. The Man with the Golden Gun
My personal favorite. Professional assassins, one good, one evil, one with a superfluous third nipple, in a battle to the death officiated by a midget on a tropical island in the south China sea. Seriously, if you don't love that, get the &%$# out of America. It's also got that ridiculous sheriff from Louisiana in it and Mary Goodnight.

Your solex agitator joke here.

A few others I'll mention. Some of these will probably end up in my personal top 10 if we expand this thing, which I imagine I'll do before the list is finalized:

A View to a Kill: I saw somewhere online that named this the worst Bond movie of all time and said it wasn't even close. Ridiculous. It's arguably the funniest of the Bond pictures, but, then, Roger Moore was always the master of the pithy comeback. Anything with Christopher Walken and Grace Jones as eviled-out steroid freaks can't be all that bad.

License to Kill: Look, this is the worst Bond movie. In the climactic chase scene Bond has taken control of a gasoline tanker truck which, of course, has a bunch of cocaine mixed in with the gas. They try shooting a stolen Stinger missle at him, but he manages to pop the 18 wheeler up on nine wheels, the Stinger goes underneath and hits another truck. Even in a series that made its name on ridiculous stunts, that has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever seen in a legitimate big-budget movie. Seriously, I want to take the guy who green-lit this thing out into the forest and let rabid wolves crush his balls.

Live and Let Die: Ridiculous and a little confusing, yet I will still watch it. It would probably be pretty good if it made a little more sense. In fact, this movie is terrible. But I do love Jane Seymour. Truly.

Dr. No: The original. The dude with the metal hands is scary. If ever a Bond flick called out for a remake, this is it. They did great things with a reported $300,000 budget, but they needed more money.

From Russia with Love: Underrated. It's always better when SPECTRE is involved. And can we make train trips a requirement in Bond films?

Octopussy: A great plot and some of the best one-liners in the franchise, including:

Kamal Khan: Mr. Bond, you have a nasty habit of surviving.
Bond: Yes, well, you know what they say about the fittest.

GoldenEye: My favorite Pierce Brosnan one, followed by The World is not Enough. It's ridiculous, but I do like the opening scene, where bond drives a motorcycle off a cliff at an exploding Russian base, climbs into a free-falling airplane and takes control of it to escape. That's a nice move.

Moonraker: Jaws in it, people. Jaws.

Goldfinger: You can keep your ridiculous plot and your Pussy Galore, but Jill Masterson is beautiful, Odd-Job is the classic bond archetype killer that started the classic Bond archetype killer genre, and it's got the best line a Bond villain ever got to say:

Bond: Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?
Goldfinger: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.

Really? Then maybe you should have just shot him, you know?

America at war

This was initially on the politics side of the blog, but it seemed more appropriate here, mostly because it's so half-assed.
---
I can't remember why, but the other night I was thinking that the United States is about 231 years old, counting forward from the Declaration of Independence. That's what, the life expectancy of about four people?

And I wondered: What percentage of that time have we been at war? If you haven't noticed, though I don't consider myself educated enough to know whether any specific war was a good idea, I'm not a fan of war in general. I'm sorry if you are, because I don't mean to offend.

I added it up the best I could, using several internet sites to determine the approximate lengths of American involvement in various wars and conflicts. And what I came up with was 49.7 years or about 22 percent of the time.

Now, that's rough, and it's subjective. For the Gulf War, for example, I just credited six months. That's about how long active hostilities lasted, but of course we had troops in the area long after that and were actively patrolling the no-fly zone.

For Vietnam, I went from the Gulf of Tonkin (Aug. 1964) through the last troops leaving Saigon (April 1975).

Other dates may have been more appropriate to use in many cases. Anyone know the actual length of the Franco-American Naval War? For that matter, it might be more appropriate to count the country's age from the ratification of the current Constitution, which would make us about 220 years old.

I don't know what the just or moral percentage of time for a country to be at war is, and I don't know how we stack up against other countries. But this is the seemingly relevant question that occurred to me before I looked at any of the numbers:

War should always be a last resort. Do we really live in a world where it's been the right answer X percent of the time?

In this case "X" is 22 percent.

You have to find your own reason to do it

Getting up after you've been knocked down may be the most beautiful metaphor we've got.

Yeah, I watched Rocky VI last night. No, this doesn't do it justice.

Have you ever enslaved a population?

As usual, this kills... and then continues on about 1,000 words too long. At any rate, it's long overdue that Hey Jenny Slater get linked on the blogroll here.

Then we'll give you a rematch...

... though you will have to make it to the 2008 National Title game first.

This is just so damn ridiculous that it's sad. It's a letter from The Honolulu Advertiser's editorial page (you have to scroll down):

SUGAR BOWL: GEORGIA CAME TO PLAY, UH WARRIORS DID NOT

As a former player, I'm tired of hearing fans and the media say that we were overmatched by bigger, faster, stronger players.

Georgia players are no different than us; the problem was they came to play and we didn't.

Georgia was dominant, not only because they were good athletes, but because their scheme put them in the best position to win.

If Hawai'i (offense) had done the same and utilized/adjusted their scheme to put themselves in the best position, we would not be in the mess we are in now. Believe me, our budget and facilities have nothing to do with what goes on on the field. It's up to the players, and I know for a fact they are looking forward to Florida.

Georgia got lucky, and I say that from a player's point of view. We gave up big plays, which at the end killed us.

But it's over; let's all talk about how we are going to support the program. Let's sell out every game from here on out.

Lene Amosa
Honolulu

"Georgia got lucky?" Nice grasp of reality.

By the way, it does look like Amosa is a former Hawaii football player, though the university doesn't exactly celebrate his illustrious career.

Thanks to Dawgs Online for pointing out this moron so we can ridicule him appropriately. And good call on the South Carolina reference.

Bond trivia

Did you know that Never Say Never Again (1983) is not considered an "official" Bond movie? It was done by Warner Brothers as opposed to Eon Productions and United Artists.

It's also a remake of 1964's Thunderball, which explains why the lead woman and villain in the movies have the same names. By the way, Never Say Never Again is also known as "The one with Kim Bassinger."

Also, the theme music (the instrumental dum di di dum dum dum one) was written by Monty Norman, though he ended up involved in a legal battle with John Barry, the guy who initially orchestrated it for Dr. No (the first Bond movie) because Barry also claimed to have written it.

That music, by the way is the reason (and the only reason) that I can never be a spy. Because I'd be humming it while I was sneaking up on someone, and they'd hear it and kill me.

"And which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?"

While I'm at it, Colin Cowherd was talking about this earlier today:


Too much hilarity for one video:

Mr. T was an extra in The Blues Brothers

That's what he said last night. He was giving Conan O'Brien a tour of Chicago in reruns last night and it was killing me. Just the fact that Mr. T is wearing overalls is almost enough on its own:


And the second part:

I mean, it seems worth worrying about

I went to return a video last night and the store was just completely empty. Does anyone else ever walk outside on a particularly quiet day, or turn onto a usually busy street when there are no cars in sight, or go anywhere that there's supposed to be people but there's not, and wonder, just for a minute: What if the rapture happened and I was wrong about getting to go?

The death of optimism: Hey, it came early this year.

You know, for a couple of weeks there I really felt confident about the 2008 season, despite the schedule. Thanks for curing me of that:

The Dawgs must play at South Carolina (often a night game), return, prepare for, and travel to Arizona State, absorb that game and the effects of cross-country travel, and then prepare to host a motivated Alabama team the next week. Should they survive that three-game swing, a bye week awaits before Tennessee comes to town.

And that's doesn't even get into the at LSU-> Florida-> at Kentucky-> at Auburn death march that is late October and early November.