Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dream Team: A football team of movie characters

At some point last season, no doubt with help from my friend alcohol, I started working on football lineup made up only of movie characters. I stumbled across it recently, and, voila.

Please note: These characters have to be human, at least in the movie sense. You start putting Superman at running back and the Rancor monster at defensive end and this whole exercise gets ridiculous.


Capt. James T. Kirk. Fearless. Leader. Bangs green chicks. So he's got the arm and the intangibles. Back up quarterback: John Wayne, for when we run the option.

Running back: Indiana Jones. He may not be the fastest guy on the field, but he's undefeated versus Nazis, may be immortal, seldom fumbles and is damn sure hard to tackle. You could also go with Han Solo here. I understand he made the Kessel Run in under 12 parsecs.

Fullback: John Rambo. A kid on a tricycle could run behind him.

Flanker (WR): A.J. Green. I'm sure he'll be in a movie eventually. Also, I think the Batman movies are loosely based on his life.

Split End (WR): Roger Moore's James Bond. Deceptive speed/dry wit. Nobody does it better. When we go three-wide, I bring in Capt. Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. He is the Wes Welker of movie characters, if Wes Welker was an insane nonexistent pirate. Point is, the guy gets open.

Tight End: Liam Neeson's character from Taken. As an aside, have you noticed that Liam Neeson's entire career these days is based on killing people/wolves with his bare hands? What ever happened to Schindler's List? Also, dude's like 6' 4".

Left Tackle: Any Steven Segal character. They're all the same, they're always knocking people down and, these days, the guy weighs like 300 pounds. Second stinger when fat boy tires out: Jaws. He'd probably start, except I feel like his tendency to bite people to death would lead to penalties.

Left Guard: The Rock, from Walk Tall. Especially if he's allowed to carry a 2x4. Possible last-second substitutions: Joe Don Baker from the original Walk Tall and Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Center: Bluto from Animal House. Fairly good bulk, clearly insane and a leader of men.

Right Guard: Marv, from Sin City. I'm not entirely sure he's human, since he survives electrocution, multiple gunshots, getting hit by a car and a sledgehammer to the face, but that's the kind of go-get-it attitude we're looking for. Plus, I'm not sure Mickey Rourke is human, either, so it evens out.

Right Tackle: Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. Not only is he on steroids, he doesn't mind killing people. Also, good footwork.


Right End: The Marine from that movie "The Marine." Have you seen that movie? John Cena just keeps coming. Also, it's terrible.

Defensive Tackle: The Guy from Green Mile. Extra Bonus: he can magically heal anyone who gets hurt. Possible backups: Luca Brasi from The Godfather and really most of the offensive line.

Left End: John Shaft. On the name alone.

Right OLB: Odd Ball from Goldfinger. Like an Asian Rennie Curran, but constantly throwing sharp ass hats at people. Pushing for playing time: Half a dozen Denzel Washington characters, starting with this guy.

Inside Linebacker: Danel Craig's James Bond. You can run, and you can hide, but eventually he breaks through a wall and shoots you in the fucking head.

Inside Linebacker: Clubber Lang. Prediction? Pain.

Left OLB: Jarvis Jones.

Boundary Corner: Sean Connery's James Bond. I stand corrected. Somebody does it better.

Field Corner: Bruce Lee. Seems like the obvious choice. If we go nickel package, I'm dropping in just about any Chuck Norris character. That's right, Chuck Norris doesn't start. Deal with it.

Free Safety:
Jason Bourne. Normally I think Matt Damon's kind of a Streisand. But I gotta say, he's rocking the shit in this one.

Strong Safety:
The Outlaw Josie Wales. Basically, any Clint Eastwood character from a movie that does not also star Charlie Sheen or a monkey. Not only would I not throw at Clint Eastwood, I wouldn't step on the field with him or dare to refer to him by anything other than his full name, which is "sir."


Kick/Punt Returner:
Again, Bruce Lee. He'd also make a hellacious change-of-pace back, wide receiver, wildcat quarterback ... basically, anywhere. Potential backup: The Bandit, from Smokey and the Bandit.

Kicker: John McClain, Die Hard. When the pressure's on, and you absolutely have to have one guy who doesn't look like he belongs on a football field come through for you, Bruce Willis is your man.

Punter: We don't punt.

Head Coach: Nick Saban. He was in that movie The Blind Side.

Defensive Coordinator: Mel Gibson. Preferably Mel Gibson from The Patriot. I hate to say it, but Mel Gibson's characters are always bad asses. Fuck that guy, but he gets results.

Offensive Coordinator: Mr. Spock. Although, really, his game plan is just something for our quarterback to ignore.

Strength and Conditioning: The drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. Try not to make anyone kill themselves, though, OK?

I know I've missed a few opportunities here, so feel free to let me know about it. Not a single character from "Predator," for example. But I do want you to note the absence here of anyone named Van Damme. Let's keep it that way. Although Chun Li ... I bet that guy can play.


MikeInValdosta said...

I have to believe Jim Brown is worthy of a few touches.

Lucid Idiocy said...

Good point. I tried to stay away, though, from football players who were in movies, with the exception of The Rock, who's had a pretty solid acting career. Otherwise you end up with the cast of The Longest Yard and North Dallas 40. But Jim Brown ... he's on the fence, because he was in Mars Attacks, and that's just a quality resume.

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